tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4748832844228334272.post9210266187904671966..comments2024-02-16T01:19:34.964-05:00Comments on The Walk of Words: Query: Again?Rebekkah Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06684711663696588263noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4748832844228334272.post-7417528422382663352011-03-25T10:13:23.391-04:002011-03-25T10:13:23.391-04:00Thanks for the feedback! ^_^ It does help to have ...Thanks for the feedback! ^_^ It does help to have someone who hasn't read any of the novel to look over it, and whack me for using info nobody else knows! I'll take your advice into consideration as I go through a few more revisions (I've discovered I can't revise a query within two days of the last revision... I get too hung up on favorite phrases >.<) Thanks for your help!Rebekkah Nileshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06684711663696588263noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4748832844228334272.post-17025070280369945412011-03-24T13:51:50.409-04:002011-03-24T13:51:50.409-04:00I'm thinking that this one is actually a littl...I'm thinking that this one is actually a little denser than the last version. I still haven't read the manuscript, so I'm in a pretty good position to critique the query.<br /><br />I've edited it a bit, and tried to explain why I'm suggesting the changes.<br /><br />I would cut out the first sentence entirely and lead with this:<br /><br />When the island of Aleta’s ruling Council makes a mistake that costs their capital city, there is only one way General Lygos can stop the volatile magic reservoir from destroying the island: he must find his channel – the soul-mate whose touch will allow him to master(use?) magic.<br />(Streamline the next bit:)<br /><br />If that wasn't annoying enough, Lygos must also take up the most disgusting profession he can imagine: politics. If he abandons his position as general, there will be no one to stop the empire from conquering Aleta. But if he refuses, (what will happen? Will Aleta sink into the sea?)<br /> <br /> Carol Liatris Caswell is a Crime Scene Technician, and doesn’t believe in (anything she can't send to a lab?), but on a cruise through Poseidon’s stormy seas, she is tossed overboard and straight into the arms of the handsome General Lygos. There’s no denying (the fiery attraction that rages between them, nor<--I don't think this needs to be stated, the next sentence does it in both the magical and romantic contexts) that his touch sparks something wild and powerful inside her. <br /><br />But is that sword made of bronze? (Totally thought you were talking about his...er...his other...bronze sword...>.>...) Why doesn’t anyone have a cell phone? What’s all this about an (enemy) spy(cut: in the camp?) All Carol really knows is that there’s a dead body, and no one’s giving the crime-scene technician a computer. (don't need the end of this sentence!)<br /><br /><br /><br />When the island of Aleta’s ruling Council makes a mistake that costs their capital city, there is only one way General Lygos can stop the volatile magic reservoir from destroying the island: he must find his channel – the soul-mate whose touch will allow him to use magic.<br /><br />If that wasn't annoying enough, Lygos must also take up the most disgusting profession he can imagine: politics. If he abandons his position as general, there will be no one to stop the empire from conquering Aleta. But if he refuses, there might not be an island left to protect at all.<br /> Carol Liatris Caswell is a Crime Scene Technician, and doesn’t believe in anything she can't send to a lab. But on a cruise through Poseidon’s stormy seas, she is tossed overboard and straight into the arms of the handsome General Lygos. There’s no denying that his touch sparks something wild and powerful inside her. <br /><br />But is that sword? And why doesn’t anyone have a cell phone? And what's all this about a spy? All Carol really knows is that there’s a dead body, and no one’s giving the crime-scene technician a computer.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11304333283822231479noreply@blogger.com