You know what's crazy? I'm still not satisfied with it. I want to know more about my female lead. BUT, it does address several main issues. It's under 250 words; it introduces the book first; it demonstrates the conflict and doesn't bog the reader down in a multitude of subplots. The entire purpose of a query letter is to get the agent to ask for more. It's the synopsis that actually tells the story; the query is just a hook. But still... Maybe it's just perfectionism, but chances are, you'll see another version soon enough, if this one doesn't start getting responses (and quickly!)
By the way, a good query letter should supposedly net you at least an 80% request rate. If it doesn't, you're supposed to rewrite it. Mine didn't. So, I took a few classes and rewrote it. Wish me luck!
How many versions has your query gone through? Have you ever taken a class, or found a book, that made the difference between a form rejection and a manuscript request? And what was your biggest error?